I had literally been gobbled up by the rental crisis. Moving and packing and looking for the next place to live had consumed me whole for around eight months. “Exhausted” was an understatement. On this particular day, I was just doing a little bit of packing, as I was so tired. I had made an agreement with myself – just a little.
The place I’d been renting for four months stood on a piece of incredible land, so beautiful that I had allowed myself to be blinded to the fact that the dwelling itself was heavily infested with mould and other problems, all of which were detrimental to a compromised immune system, such as my own. Coupled with the upheaval of leaving the large house I’d been living in for many years with my daughter and all our belongings, this toxicity had taken its toll. It was still two weeks until I had to be out but I decided to sleep elsewhere and just visit daily to pack up.
On this day, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I bent down to pick something up, time stood still and my body announced in no uncertain terms that it was done. A loud clear voice in my mind said, “Go to Ollie’s [the place where I was staying] and lie down.” This message was crystal clear; there was nothing to be done except exactly that. So off I went in my little black Suzuki. It would be my last time driving a car for a long time.
When I arrived at Ollie’s I found a couch to lie down on out the back in the sun. It was such a divine spot, the sun was beautiful. As I lay there, however, I slowly became aware of a very dark energy hovering around me, and I thought to myself, this feels like the angel of death, come to take me away. I hadn’t ever come into contact with this dark angel in this lifetime and yet I knew exactly what it was.
The angel of death, I discovered, had no form. I simply had a strong impression of black, heavy energy swirling around, and in order to prevent being unconsciously consumed by it, I knew I had to stay alert and consciously aware of it. At the same time I was experiencing a sense of euphoria.
Eventually, I went inside to the room where I was sleeping and barely moved for days. After a few days, I took a visit to the hospital to get the medical perspective. Things were grim and there was nothing they could do, but that was fine by me as I don’t resonate with their ways. One thing they did tell me was that my blood pressure was dangerously low. Therefore, it was being measured frequently. After many hours of this, it occurred to me to Google what low blood pressure means on the spiritual level. I laughed out loud when I read the words: “Not wanting to cope with a situation”. It rang so true! I really didn’t want to deal with moving all the time, continually looking for somewhere to live only to come to yet another dead end. I was just too tired for all that. Funnily enough, the next time the nurse took my blood pressure it was back to normal.
After my three-day hospital visit I had to be cared for by my mother. I was almost as helpless as a baby. I could just manage to get to the toilet, and into the bath once a day. I even ate in bed, lying flat on my back; I couldn’t lie in any other position. I drifted in and out of consciousness, continually liaising with the angel of death, which was ready to do its job anytime I agreed. This psychological dance between us continued during each short interval of time I was awake. During these intervals I would spend all my energy wondering if I were actually dying, if this really could be the end, and if perhaps I should consult a death doula: would they know? I wanted answers. Then I would think of my kids and start grieving the possibility that I might be leaving them. That was an especially heavy pain. It was all a bit torturous, and all the while my mother and I were managing my physical pain and other practical challenges. Several times I was startled into wakefulness because she was running her hands gently down my face and over my body. She later told me it was her way of sending me love to give me life.
Time passed. I began to notice that when my kids came to visit I had significantly more life in me and that after they left I would return to an almost lifeless state. In general, I was keeping people away – not wanting to be seen in such a state. However, one wise, older friend managed to get through the door and next to my bed, and proceeded to chat with me as if everything were completely normal. While she was there I felt more alive than I had since the angel of death had arrived. I’m sure she knew what she was doing and intended on being a living, human Tesla plate. After her visit, I realised that to get through this and live I absolutely had to call on my friends and loved ones to give me “life support”. I had to expose my vulnerability, surrender, and let myself receive on a whole new level.
The dark, silent visitor waiting to take me away haunted me for around three to four weeks. It was only after I chose to start drinking in the life force being offered to me by others that it disappeared.
I surrendered! Hurray! I received! Hurray! I chose life! As harrowing as it all was, my wounded femininity was being given a wonderful opportunity to heal and come to life.
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