Make up sex is a common remedy for relationship issues. “We had great sex and then everything was better.”
Sex is a huge source of emotion and is often used as a fix-it for emotions. Sure it can work – it can relieve the tension built up by stress or our emotions quite well, but the relief is often short-lived. Why? Two main reasons are emotions and how we have sex.
Emotions are the silent killers in relationships. They are often the reason why we are left standing saying, “Where has the love gone?”
Behind every judgment, every criticism, every unloving act, every unloving word, is an unmet emotion.
A feeling fully felt in the present moment, like grief, anger, frustration, fear, is pure and innocent and can be over quite quickly. But most commonly, these pure feelings can turn sour if we repress or suppress them, or even project and blame others. Mastering our emotions is a life-long journey.
How sex can cause emotions
Woman is the container – she receives and holds. When sex is an emotional and stress release, unfortunately she is the one left holding all that tension. And then we wonder why women are accused of being ‘so emotional’. It can be extremely common for women to feel a growing anger and resentment around sex if she feels her body is being used as a release. But men are also affected.
The spiritual masters tell us that when energy moves downward in the body in discharge, that tension is the by-product or outcome. Conversely, when energy moves upward, as in Tantric sexual practice, the result is silence, contentment and joy.
When men start to bring awareness to ‘after an ejaculation’, they notice that they feel a kind of separation and resulting emotion (tension), even if subtle.
A slow sex approach, moving away from tension and towards relaxation, away from sensational sex to more sensitivity, will allow the dispersing tension in a more healthy way than releasing it.
But if they are both unaware of the link between emotion and sex, the cycle begins again – getting emotional, finding a way to relieve the emotion/tension, having sex, feeling good for a while and so it goes. Both are left to wade through the murky waters of layers of emotion, without even realising that it may be from the fast and furious passionate romp they had a few days ago.
Janet is a speaker, author and mentor, who supports women and couples to deepen in their intimate relationship. She is presenter of The Making Love Retreat for couples in Australia. She is co-author of the upcoming book, Tantric Sex and Menopause.