In the last few years I have known many people who have died – close family, best friends and of course people that I have cared for as a registered nurse. And yet I have a space and an ease with it that few people have. When I talk about grief, I have a sense of lightness. I don’t feel like crying. I have created a space with grief and dying that is different to what most people choose.
That space comes from being willing to allow the person to choose what they are choosing and not to be in judgement of it. I have a sense that death is a choice – whether it is a cognitive choice for the person dying or not. So I don’t have this energy of superiority that I know what can fix them. I am willing to allow them to choose.
If they ask me a question, fantastic. I’m willing to hear what they are willing to receive. If they don’t ask me a question then I allow them to be with the diagnosis they have.
When you don’t have a point of view about illness or dying being wrong, you can’t stick the person into any space that limits their choices.
So this is the thing when people are in a difficult situation, and the people around them are grieving. We can stick them with our point of view, or we can ask; “What is the contribution I can be when someone is diagnosed with a serious illness or something bad happens in their life? Would I like to choose grief, trauma and drama or the potential for a totally different space?”
What I’ve found is the more that you can actually BE, just being willing to be who you be, the more space you will create for the person dying or going through a challenging time.
Be willing to stay in the space of who you be. Be willing to be present with yourself. Be an interesting point of view. Be an interesting point of view with what the people around you are choosing. Be there for them.
What if you are the rock in the stream and you’re just being you? A lot of people lose perspective of who they be around grief or if they’ve been through a separation or whatever it is. So if you can be the rock in the stream and allow everything to flow around you while you still be you, you won’t get lost in it. I’m not saying that the tears are not going to come, that the sadness is not going to come. If you don’t get lost in the emotions, you can still be there for the person, and still there for yourself. You will find your way into a space of ease and peace much faster.
Wendy Mulder is an Access Consciousness® Facilitator, a Registered Nurse and Grief Therapist. She is the author of ‘Learning From Grief’. Visit: http://www.kindnesswithgrief.com