ShvetaA few years ago, I hardly knew the difference between heart and mind.
✨ I had inculcated a belief that my heart leads me astray hence I will trust only my intellectual mind.
✨ I unknowingly caged my true self in walls so high and strong, that I wouldn’t dare to crumble them.
✨I became monotonous, well more mechanical, moving from one task to another checking out my list every day.
✨ And then found ways to mask myself even more to blend in with what others wanted to see in me.
✨I became robotic, fake, and no less than a people pleaser. All I wanted was to be seen and loved by my well-meaning people.
✨Little did I know that I buried my true self somewhere, as I thought no one wanted to see her.
✨So I changed, and I kept adding layers upon me to become a customised product suited to others’ needs, desires and expectations.
✨I barely had time or awareness to notice how I was killing myself from inside.
✨All I could feel was emptiness, exhaustion, and an oblivion ready to engulf me- So I would run away from it and indulge myself in drinking, self-care- manis, pedis, gyms, dancing, parties and many more to steam out what was burning me.
✨ I was certainly after the medallions of best mother, best wife, best daughter, best daughter in law, perfectionist and so on to feel rewarded for the slaughter of my true self.
Universe kept providing me with the signs like:
✨Feeling flustered all the time
✨ Suicidal instincts
✨Relationship issues and
✨ Health issues
BUT I kept ignoring them conveniently. Somedays, I would wonder, “am I doing it right? Why don’t I feel my heart beating? Why do I feel I am dead?” I would ponder and then scoff thinking I am too sensitive or an overthinker.
Then I can’t remember exactly how, but there was a time when I resorted back to meditation after a decade and a half. I wanted to find answers and solace. Oh boy! 6 months and more – I would just hear my jumpy mind from one thought to another followed by deep spaciousness. And then one day I heard, “Aren’t you tired yet?” And, “Yes!!” hopped out my mouth.
I mocked at that later on, thinking it was just my mind making it up. Slowly, bit by bit, I started receiving chunks of thoughts and I started trusting what would get downloaded. One day I heard, “You need to find yourself back.”
“What? Find who? Was I lost?” Well, certainly I was.
Did I find my way back? Yes, slowly I did.
There’s more to the story which I will share in the next article.
And now, it is my utmost desire to help others now in their inner work using different modalities I learnt over the past few years.
If any of this resonates with you or you feel drawn to have a chat, please DO NOT hesitate.
Reach me out on Facebook : https://www.facebook.com/UntetheredGodess
Jacq Koloski
Gerard Bini
Add comment