How Could Real Connection and Intimacy be a Game Changer? by Pauline Ryeland

Unfortunately, we now live in an era where access to porn is readily available to anyone, no matter what age.

For some young boys/men this is where they get their sex education because we all know that not enough real education is done in the classroom.

The problem here is that, this is not real, they are acting and there is no sexual energy happening between the people on the screen.  They are just rubbing bits and going through the motions.

This creates a false scenario of how sex is between two people.  Expectations of how it should be and it then becomes almost a mechanical act, rather than one full of sensual and erotic connection.

Porn is not real relationships and it’s not real sex.

Porn creates a disconnection to self, to body and to pleasure which then creates a disconnect with anyone you’re engaging with intimately and sexually.

It’s ok to watch a little bit of porn, however anything more than 1-2 times a week is bordering on addiction.

I see some men who only ever masturbate to porn and that can be anywhere from 1 – 5 times a week.  This creates quite a lot of problems, because they are constantly out of their bodies looking at a screen to receive the visual aspect.  When this happens, they’re completely disengaged from themselves, their bodies and most importantly from their penis!

I’ve also worked with a lot of men who work away.  There’s nothing to do, they can’t drink and they’re bored, so they turn to porn.  Sometimes they’re not even actually turned on by it anymore, it’s just become a very unhealthy habit.

The addiction to porn actually rewires the neurological pathways on the subconscious of not only how you connect with yourself intimately but how you view sex and intimacy within a relationship.  For men It creates objectification and even less of an ability to have communication around sex.

I’ve also worked with men who’ve not had an intimate relationship of any sort, nor even had sex and their only experience of sex is using a fleshlight.  Whilst it may provide them of a different kind of sexual experience it is not the same as being with a real person and they have zero knowledge in any other area, so it limits their possibilities of connecting with a real person even more. 

I was intimate with a man once who would look at himself in the mirror and used a move which energetically was an aggressive stance towards me which he learned from watching porn.  Needless to say, we didn’t last, however what happens is, in my experience when men watch porn they copy it. 

It doesn’t allow for discussion and connection around what you may like to receive or do.

For some men too, they also hide behind porn.  They get to do what they want on their terms, don’t have to engage or talk about their emotions or feelings which is a pretty sad way to be living a life that is inherently lacking in any form of real intimacy.

Is it time to step up to create real, connected, and conscious relationships?  It’s what we are all requiring more and more!

Pauline Ryeland

Pauline Ryeland, Intimacy Whisperer®, is a Sex, Libido, Relationship Coach & Educator, working with individuals & couples experiencing challenges with sex and relationships.

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