Knowing Beneath Noise

By Peta-Ann Wood, Elegant Rebel®

There’s a moment every writer knows – that moment before hitting publish. For some, it’s excitement. For me, it’s noise. The internal static that rises when I sense I’m about to be seen in a way I can’t control.

A few years ago, just before submitting my first book, the noise hit hard. Editing done. Design complete. Yet looking at the publish button, my whole system froze.

I didn’t freeze because I questioned my work. I froze because I realised my story – my actual human story – was about to be visible. Not the slightly aloof version, people often meet first. Not the Soul‑Led Mentor who can hold space without spilling emotion everywhere. But the me underneath: non‑linear, intense, sensitive, contradictory, deeply human. The me I hadn’t fully accepted yet.

That freeze wasn’t imposter syndrome. It was social evaluation threat – the brain’s ancient alarm which kicks in when visibility feels like danger. The body braces and the prefrontal cortex goes offline, even when we’re safe.

That’s noise. And for this Elegant Rebel®, noise is the opposite of unapologetic youness. Noise says, ‘Hide.’ Knowing says, ‘Trust.’

When I wrote my debut book, I wrote from knowing – the same knowing that guided my decision to stay flat after my bilateral mastectomy. A decision not based on medical pathways, but on truth. It’s why I celebrate International FLAT Day on October 7. It honours women who chose flatness and who stand in our youness even when the nervous system wobbles.

Flatness is knowing. The wobble around being seen in our flatness is noise. Staying flat was my knowing. Being visible as a Flattie was where the noise crept in.

Jung would say this is the moment the persona cracks. The mask slips. The shadow steps forward and asks, ‘Are you sure you want to be seen?’ And truly, I wasn’t sure. I’d spent years being the calm, composed one who guides others through their storms. But the truth is, I’m not always calm, wise or tidy. I’m a messy human who overthinks, procrastinates and forgets her own advice.

And then there’s the part I didn’t know yet: all of this happened before I discovered I am AuDHD. Back then, I didn’t understand why being the centre of attention felt like over-exposure, or why sharing my truth made my nervous system behave like I was under a spotlight with no script.

Would knowing I was AuDHD have stopped the wobble? Probably not. Because I had the exact same freeze a couple of months ago when I went to hit publish on the updated manuscript. Same breath‑holding. Same noise. Diagnosis didn’t erase the wobble. It simply explained it.

AuDHD brains often build a calm, competent persona to survive social spaces. Not a fake mask – a functional one. But underneath is the real me – the one who feels deeply, sees patterns instantly, and experiences visibility as a full‑body event.

So when the publish wobble appeared again, I reminded myself, ‘You’re safe to be seen as a messy human.’ Slowly the amygdala quietened and the prefrontal cortex came back online. Noise shifted. Knowing returned. Then I hit publish. Not because I felt ready, but because I felt true.

And that’s the pondering I want to leave with you:

• Where is your noise still running the show?
• Where is your knowing asking to lead?
• Where is your truth calling you forward?

My book, What Happens When They Don’t Grow Back…, is my answer to these questions for me. It’s my choice to be visible – messy, mystical, contradictory, human – and to let my truth burn brighter than fear. And it’s also why I developed my Noise-to-Knowing™ Mentoring.

If visibility feels like exposure, especially if you’re neurodivergent, you’ll find more about my mentoring, writing, books and Oracle Cards at elegantrebelponders.com. It’s a space for exploring unapologetic youness and the beautifully human parts we’re still learning to know.

Peta-Ann is a Soul-led Mentor, Acceptance Guide, Author and Writer. Connect with her at www.elegantrebelponders.com