Ann Moir-BussySome years ago, I was tutoring a group of students, 20 to 40 years old, who remarked quite strongly that women over 50 should not be working – “They are not up to date with the way things should be done, they should leave the workforce and make space for us and not keep holding those positions”. Collectively, they had absorbed the narratives – still current today – that ageing means decline. These students would now be in the 60s, and I wonder how they feel with the criticism and constraints that often culture and society label those who are in the next stage of living – the journey of ageing – one we all will encounter.
There are so many transitions as we age, and the second half of life opens new gates, unknown territory that we must traverse, and again, it’s so difficult at times to break from defined roles set by others’ expectations, particularly as we age physically.
Have you ever experienced that? Older women I work with often say they experience loneliness, loss, disconnectedness, lack of appreciation and even begin to doubt their own voice, their own inner wisdom. They don’t know or don’t even believe they have wisdom or let alone embody the years of experience and wisdom they have learned. And it hurts them when younger members disregard them, don’t acknowledge them, and they feel imprisoned or stuck. They forget, or don’t know, that they can CHOOSE how they navigate this transition.
Ageing is a new stage of Growth
Ageing is a stage of growth and maturity. When we listen to social media and the way ageing is viewed, we either see the pressure to look younger or the pressure to accept being old. As the wise old Rabbi once said – “Grow old but don’t be old – it’s forbidden to BE old”, for this implies you stop growing and maturing.
How do we change this – how do we reclaim our ability to choose HOW we want to shape this elder stage of our life? How do we become the woman who trusts her intuition, the woman who is not afraid to speak from her years of experience, the woman who is allowed to live and share that and be a leader who can guide others because she has already traversed that path? How do we choose to live in a way that we become the woman “one in herself”?
Unfortunately, many women carry the internalised story of being of less worth after the bloom of youth. Instead, the ageing woman needs to stop asking “How do I look?” and start asking “What do I know?”
The Loathly Lady
The Arthurian Legend of The Loathly Lady is a great example of this. There are several versions of this story, and one such version is that of one of King Arthur’s knights returning from war and being summoned to a strange marriage. The bride presented to him is old – a hideous hag (the Loathly Lady). Her face was creased, her back bent as if she were carrying the memory of many winters. Her hair was streaked with grey and silver. The other courtiers were whispering and looking aghast; villagers looked on in horror, measuring him by his youth.
That night when she stood before him, he, used to being the one with the power, the one who commanded and was in control, was taken aback when without any apologies she offered him a choice: ‘Grant me what I want most – sovereignty, power over my own life – OR keep for yourself all the comforts of life you are used to and the appearance of certainty and of being served”. None of his training had prepared him for such a question, but as he stood in the silence, he heard not fear on her part, but a woman who wanted the right to choose the shape of her life. And he surrendered his grip on control and said, “Choose”.
Becoming WHOLE
No, she did not become young again, as the world would expect or want, but her crooked spine softened, and the lines in her face eased, and she became WHOLE. She moved with the authority of one who had held her own life through storms and losses. Her beauty – if you want to call it that – was not the bright polish of youth, but the earned quiet magnetism of a life owned.
And, in the years that followed, she taught the knights how to hold counsel rather than fight wars, she taught the women to choose husbands for their soul rather than their roles and how they looked, and children how to speak truths rather than asking permission.
There are so many lessons in this tale, both for men and for women who are ageing. The Loathly Lady challenges both men and women to confront the collective push to BE OLD. As women, we must learn to stand in our power, demand respect and refuse to relinquish autonomy – only then can we break the “curse” of traditional restrictive gender hierarchies.
An Internal Journey
More importantly, it is an internal journey for a woman. Qi Qong Master Mingtong Gu says it beautifully: “Every step of your healing journey has been preparing for leadership. Not leadership as position or power, but leadership as embodied transmission of what’s possible when a human being comes fully home to themselves”.
And his reflection for us is: Place your hands on your heart and declare: “I am the medicine I have been seeking. I am the change I wish to see in the world. I choose to lead through the wisdom of my healing, walking my truth so fully that others remember their own.”
Learn from the Loathly Lady and feel this truth in your body. Let it organise your energy. Let it become your new operating system.
Ann is a highly experienced counsellor and psychotherapist of over 30 years, a life coach and empowerment leader, specialising in enabling women over 50 in their journey of transformation and initiation to becoming an elder who leads from the soul.
Here is a free brief video reflection adding to the column and we would love to hear any comments you have that will add to the growing voices of elders and the choices we make that will enable others to age consciously.
Connect with Ann at: Mobile:+61 0400 474 425
Gerard Bini
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