Imperfect Guidance by Katherine Christie

I was talking with a friend recently about finding that spark you require to move ahead with

something you want to do, that is not easy. I was speaking about my ability to use strong emotion to get something done that I had been stuck on, avoiding or dreading, or all of the above. Although I would describe myself as being capable of being quite blunt, it does take a bit for me to get really angry. I unfortunately have the capacity to get really, really angry. So angry that my nervous system fires up and takes over making basic physical existence unpleasant to the point of exasperating, then itself adding another layer of complexity to the flesh stew I have cooking up. Fortunately, I don’t find myself in such a state frequently. Short lived states of extreme anger have dotted my life, with specific incidents remembered as a small child onward. I have acted in these states of anger with pretty shitty outcomes for all concerned. Acts that I would not in a calm mind have dreamt of doing or thought for a second were decent and appropriate.

Although I don’t enjoy the flood of strong emotion when I am really angry, I can use this. I would rate my low energy levels as one of the biggest hindrances I have to getting things done. Majority of my time I live in a disjointed state of a very separate body and mind, both operating, seemingly, on completely separate planes. However a strong dose of strong emotion bridges that divide and unites both body and mind, and I can actually feel in my own skin what I feel in my head. This beautifully perfect union in this instance, is difficult to love, it is to put it simply, downright awful and impossible to escape.

Being both paraplegic and claustrophobic I have managed to achieve the advanced state of being able to feel claustrophobic in my own body in such times of ‘perfect union’ just to give you a taste. The saying that necessity is the mother of all invention definitely rings true for me. In a state of real genuine need, I can pull out some super brain power that has been set aside and labelled ‘break out in case of emergency’. This is a marvel in itself, but not the subject of further discussion here.

Finding myself in my perfect union but completely objectionable state, I have learnt to do something for myself that is far greater than the sum of its parts, and most definitely divorced from the riling, swirling, feverish current of white-hot anger! I will pick a task that I have been avoiding, dreading and dragging the chain on, and do it. Just like that. It could be a task I have been pretending doesn’t exist, and only in that special way that makes such pretense a joke, as you cement this thing into your psyche with ongoing flow of energy you create pretending such task is not there.

I don’t fight myself about doing the task, I want to do it. I can throw myself at it and do a half decent job too. This is not a guide for how to get shit done, but it is an interesting observation about how energy is still energy regardless of the source. Energy itself does not classify itself as good or bad or ugly. It just is. There is the intensity aspect, but this is not the same as the human classification of ‘a type’ to be labelled accordingly.

My observations have strung from my conversation with my friend whom was concerned, from her own perspective, that utilising such energy could be tainted and impure. My view is quite to the contrary. Firstly, my personal view is that purist thoughts are unhelpful and should be generally thrown out the window, and that energy is energy, that is it. If you have it to use, use it! Accepting of our humanity is to accept we are not perfect. We are deeply flawed and we make mistakes and lose our way, frequently. We are also capable of feeling remorse, sorrow and despair when we stuff something up. Acknowledge and embrace it, and just do the best you can. And when you are given the gift of strong emotion, make the most of it. You may just be pleasantly surprised at the consequences.