Let Yourself Be Misunderstood by Leela Williams

In the past week, three people — each in very different circumstances — told me a version of the same thing: “I feel like people don’t really understand me.” When we’re trying to have a need met, being understood can feel essential. I could certainly relate to what each of them was feeling — and I think most of us can. After all, how can someone truly help, support, love, or appreciate us without understanding who we are?

The desire to be understood, especially when we’re struggling, is a survival instinct. It’s not just an antidote to loneliness, but proof of belonging. The more someone understands, the more appropriate their responses and choices will be. They’ll be able to offer the right words, actions, even medicines more readily and naturally. Being understood has a lot going for it. Still, I told each of those people that being understood is overrated.

It’s not uncommon for us to grasp at understanding by oversharing, thinking that if people only knew our story, we’d be safe. We might also present ourselves in ways that seem more ‘typical,’ hoping that at least some of our needs will be met. But in the long term, these strategies are unsatisfying and unsustainable. Fortunately, even survival instincts can be reframed.

We are layered, contradictory, and ever-changing beings. To be understood completely would require someone to see all of us — not just who we are now, but the whole accumulation of our history, our dreams, our quietest griefs. And understanding that kind of complexity takes time.

Allowing yourself to be misunderstood is a kind of freedom. It releases us from the pressure to make sense to everyone, and it softens the urge to put others into tidy categories just so we can feel secure. The more I’ve walked with this idea, the more I’ve realised that the quest for full understanding — of ourselves or others — demands that we simplify what’s meant to remain mysterious.

A small shift in perspective can open us to fuller, richer experiences. Replacing the need to be understood with curiosity for understanding relieves pressure and helps us be less reactive to behaviours or judgements that fall short of our ideals. Often, especially in new environments, I’m learning so much about myself. I can hardly expect others to understand me, when I don’t fully know who I am. Listening deeply to others — without needing to make sense of everything — places us in a space of growth. As a bonus, when someone feels listened to, feels seen, they’re more likely to return that gift.

In Maxine Gadd’s Zoologica: The Steampunk Oracle, I likened the journey of self-understanding to deep-sea exploration — a world where misunderstanding is a sure sign you are out of your comfort zone and heading in the right direction! Our light, our presence and our uniqueness can draw others in with curiosity or confusion. But that doesn’t mean we owe them explanations. We can observe, respond wisely and honour shared truths with respect rather than comprehension.

The people who told me they didn’t feel understood weren’t just looking for connection — they were telling me they didn’t feel safe or weren’t sure their needs were being met. I didn’t ask for details. They didn’t owe me their story. And I wasn’t going to make them feel more exposed by asking them to explain themselves to a practical stranger.

Understanding takes time — and we’re not meant to know everyone that intimately. What we can do is be present. I can let someone know I’m here for them. I can do my best to offer what they need in that moment. I don’t need to understand why you need a hug to give you one. And just as importantly, if your need is not to be hugged — I can honour that too.

You don’t have to be fully understood to be real, valid or worthy. You can be loved in your mystery. Perhaps the most nourishing relationships are not built on figuring out the ins and outs of every quirk or decision, but on respect, gentleness and the willingness to keep learning more about each other. In that space, understanding will grow … slowly, imperfectly and honestly.

Connect with Leela J. Williams at https://linktr.ee/leelajwilliams. Discover more of her work, including Maxine Gadd’s Zoologica: The Steampunk Oracle and NEW Zoologica Journal, at Tarotopia.