Love or Growth; why not both – A WOMAN’S DILEMMA by Barbara Brewster

Excerpts from LOVE OR GROWTH-WHY NOT BOTH—A WOMAN’S DILEMMA

May Barbara Brewster’s journey through a loving relationship while striving to honour her need for solitude, freedom and growth, support and, perhaps, confirm the truth for anyone navigating “going beyond” the expected relationship “norm.”

Part 2 – RELY ON RADICAL TRUST – April 16 

Sid (my current husband) arrives smiling. “All I said yesterday came from a place of complete frustration. Strike it.”

 He spent last night talking long with Jack. (my first husband)

“Can I have a hug?” he asks.

Good hug and two kisses too!

Sid says, “I love you very much, lady, but I’m going to love you in a completely different way. I think it’s going to be good.”

What do I feel? I murmur, “Hmmm.”

I’m at once hopeful and disappointed. I’ve opened myself to the extent of entertaining the possibility of a different male energy. Yet, I love Sid, and I’ve hoped that somehow his love could be alchemically transformed into that fresh form. Still, part of me feels ready to move on from what’s been. Maybe we can move on together to something completely new, rich and fulfilling. I open to it all. Sid says he’ll come to my counseling appointment with Mike. Great. And I will tell all my truths.

Later, at Mike’s, Sid dives in, “Jack and I see Barbara as running away. It’s a pattern. She lets us love her and do all sorts of things for her. We give and give. She encourages it and then says she feels smothered.”

Sid is loud and forceful. “It’s not my job to move out of the house. Already, I’m gone so much I’m practically living out of my car.” He cries.

I cry. I say, “All I’m asking is for three months to sort myself out. I’ve changed. I don’t’ know if I want a relationship with you.”

Sid says, “You’re no different. You’re still seeking. Look at your body.”

Mike listens, mostly. He brings up the issue of Barbara “forgetting” Sid at a party. “It has to be OK for Barbara to return to Sid, or hug Sid — or not — and for Sid to not feel abandoned if she doesn’t.”

I’m so glad Mike says this. I felt guilty about simply being myself at gatherings and not remembering to go to Sid.

Mike says to me, “It’s the mental constriction that makes the problem. Even though Sid is away more, if you are still concerning yourself with how he is and how he’ll respond to something you do, then there is no freedom … Sid’s too attached and you’re too responsible.”

I know.

“You are teaching Sid about being unattached. Sid is teaching you about not taking upon yourself the responsibility for another’s experience.”

Mike says, “Go for three months working with these awarenesses. The natural course will evolve.”

I’m sad. At first, I feel trapped. How can I move on? I’ll never get my space. Slowly it sinks in that this is actually what I need. Feeling guilty and responsible squanders energy and drags me down. To transcend those behaviors and the beliefs that fund them is highly desirable. Sid is indeed my teacher. Just as the experts say, we attract people who inspire us to address unresolved childhood issues. Even with my burgeoning honesty and self-awareness, I’m still compelled to please people and to believe when I don’t that the problem lies with me. Uprooting these deeply entrenched beliefs will be a giant step toward freedom. Who better to practice unfamiliar behaviors on than with the person who loves me the most?

Slowly I come to accepting this plan. I’m ready to transform fear into freedom. I’ve held myself back, fearing hurting Sid. The result was that I’ve felt stifled and dull. No wonder creativity only trickles out – constrained under an invisible lid. I, not Sid, laid the lid on, so steeped was I in people pleasing and politeness, avoiding anything that smacks of hurt. Even as I moved and acted freely physically, the emotional bondage expanded, because of the constant concerns about how my behavior affected my partner.

We’ve communicated just about all the microscopic truths. Even that hasn’t loosened the bonds I’ve felt emotionally. This is my big chance to shake loose those constrictions. So, it’s perfect that we are not separating. We will interact and I will be as free as I choose to be. I will act out of whatever love I feel, but I will not pretend. A great opportunity!

Later, I related these things to my long-time massage friend, Trish. “Sid pours out support and care. I must not love him as much as he loves me.”

“Don’t confuse love with attachment,” says Trish. “Sid is very attached. Don’t feel guilty because you’re not.”

The natural course will evolve. Bless this period for the opportunity to lose long-held constraints. I’m ready and eager to burst forth in freedom, to be and say who I really am.

[Freedom] doesn’t mean that one doesn’t feel love and compassion, that one doesn’t care. It just means that one doesn’t hold on. One can be filled with joy to be with someone but if one is not it doesn’t matter. People, especially family, get upset if you are not attached to them but that’s only because we confuse love and attachment all the time.

Tenzin Palmo: Cave in the Snow.

To keep stimulating & bringing forth your inherent truth and joy, contact Barbara at Barbara@barbarabrewster.com and “Barbara Brewster Sower Of Seeds” Facebook Page for (1) events, (2) viewing/purchasing Barbara’s acclaimed books, 3) inviting Barbara to present at your location, 4) and  more!