Is it time to be more aware of the ‘check out’? by Pauline Ryeland

You’d think that to be in love, you’d already be connected, however in reality that is not always the case!

You can love your partner and be completely disconnected from yourself and them in lots of different ways.

And that can apply to yourself even if you’re single.

One of the first things I work with my clients around is connection.  We disconnect for multitudes of reasons.  If you think about it, we live in a world of disconnection; computers, technology, being glued to our phones.  It takes work to be present and connected to self.  There are a multitude of reasons disconnection can occur:

  • Alcohol
  • Drugs / Medications
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Trauma
  • Sexual Abuse
  • Fear
  • Grief
  • Sadness
  • Anger
  • Shame / Guilt
  • Menopause
  • Low libido
  • Erectile issues
  • Too much porn
  • In your head too much during sex, “am I going to orgasm”, “will I lose my erection”

When there’s been rape or sexual abuse or any trauma of some sort, quite often the disconnection is more extreme and the person is checked out completely, not in their head or their body, off in the cosmos somewhere because subconsciously they don’t feel safe to be in their body, even if they love their partner.

The first thing is to do some activities and exercises to become more connected to self, become more present and mindful of our behaviour and our thoughts.

It’s good to look at the underlying belief systems that you are functioning from:

  • Do you feel good enough?
  • Do you feel worthy of love?
  • Are you loveable?
  • Do you love and/or value yourself?

When you can feel empowered in these areas you can truly start to feel fully connected to self and to someone else.

And then the true magic begins. 

Like anything a solid foundation is required so you can build on it.  No-one is perfect, we all have flaws and problems, it’s how we deal with them, how we relate to our-self and our loved ones.

When you’re connected to self, fully aware of what’s going on in your life, then you can be more open to love and connection in whatever form that takes for you. 

When you have a partner, being able to deepen your love and your intimacy creates the connection that most people desire for in their relationships. 

When you have that combined with good communication it creates a solid foundation for you to build your love and connection on.

Pauline Ryeland

Pauline Ryeland, Intimacy Whisperer®, is a Sex, Libido, Relationship Coach & Educator, working with individuals & couples experiencing challenges with sex and relationships.

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