It’s been nearly a year since Dad passed and I am in a space I didn’t think I’d be in. I actually feel a sense of connectedness to my Dad that is difficult to explain.
I know I have cried a lot over the last year when I miss him being physically in the world and in my life. At the same time I recently celebrated my 40th Birthday and I felt his presence with me and a sense of lightness. I really thought I’d be a mess on those ‘formal celebration days’ but I feel like my Dad is still contributing to me and my family in a totally different way. No it’s not the same as him being there, and hearing his ‘Dad lectures’ or his ‘Dad jokes’. Occasionally, I think back to the suffering he endured particularly six months before he passed and how helpless I felt not being able to do more. I have always been someone who wanted to make people feel better and take away their pain. I felt I knew what would assist him with his cancer journey. So it was a real transition for me to let go and allow my Dad to make the choices for him and have the experience he required.
I haven’t really spoken about this publicly before mostly because my Dad was a private man. I honour his journey that wasn’t easy for him or for my family to experience. But I am left feeling a sense of space around his life, my relationship with him over the years; the good, the bad and the ugly and I can’t help but feel grateful he was my Dad, grateful for what he taught me and so thankful to be sensitive to perceive his presence still in my life.